Transcript:Goblin's Gold



KILGHARRAH

''In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name: Merlin.''

--

[00:12, INT. KING’S PALACE, HALL OF RECORDS - DAY]

GEOFFREY

Yes?

MERLIN

Gaius asked me to fetch a book. The-er... Bestiary of Phylum of Cambria?

GEOFFREY

The Bestiary? I haven't seen that for many years. It'll be somewhere in the east wing. No idea where!

[Merlin turns to his right and starts walking]

GEOFFREY

East is that way.

[Geoffrey points in the opposite direction and Merlin turns around to walk that direction]

MERLIN

Yeah.

[Merlin walks down to a particular row and finds the Bestiary on the top shelf of a very tall bookcase]

MERLIN (sarcastically)

Great!

[Merlin tries to jump for it and climbs up the bookcase. He ends up triggering a secret door. Merlin enters a hidden chamber and finds a magic book. He bumps into an octagonal box and something grumbles and pounds against the insides of it. Merlin sets the box upright]

MERLIN

[spell]

[The box unlocks and Merlin slowly opens it. A goblin jumps out and Merlin falls backwards]

GOBLIN

Boo! OPENING CREDITS -- GOBLIN

Are you going to say something, or shall I?

MERLIN

You can speak.

GOBLIN

You're a sharp one.

[The goblin stretches]

GOBLIN

Ooh, ah. I can't tell you how good it feels to be able to do that. And that. And this.

MERLIN

Shh!

GOBLIN

I have been squished and squashed inside that box for more than 50 years! Time to have some fun.

[The goblin jumps up onto a bookcase and starts tossing objects at Merlin]

GOBLIN

Whoo! There you go!

MERLIN

Have fun quietly. It's just...very quietly.

GOBLIN

Uh-oh.

[The goblin teasingly threatens to drop a vase]

MERLIN

No. You are going to get us both into serious trouble.

GOBLIN

Oh, oh, oh!

[The goblin drops the vase and it smashes into bits]

GOBLIN

Oh dear, what a shame. Never mind.

MERLIN

Right. That's it. You are going back in that box while I work out what to do with you.

GOBLIN

Oh. All right. If I really must.

[The goblin sulks towards the box with his lip trembling]

MERLIN

In.

[The goblin climbs onto the box and then jumps onto Merlin's head]

GOBLIN

Ha-ha! Fooled you!

[The goblin takes off]

MERLIN

Stop messing around!

[The goblin searches through the room. Merlin sneaks up behind it with a blanket while it rifles through a trunk]

GOBLIN

Nah. Nah. Nah. Maybe. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah...

MERLIN Got you.

[Merlin grabs it with the blanket. The goblin struggles and then the blanket goes flat. The goblin appears as a little yellow ball of light and squeezes through a crack in the secret door]

MERLIN No!

[Merlin exits the secret chamber and the goblin hits him in the back of the head with a book]

GOBLIN

Bull's-eye!

MERLIN Someone's going to see you!

GOBLIN

Really? I'm just having a little tidy up!

[The goblin kicks books down from a top shelf]

GOBLIN Look here you want to get rid of all of this. Nasty mess up here. Nobody's had a brush up here for years! Look at it all old and...right, that's enough, I'm off. Heehee.

[Merlin picks up the Bestiary, which the goblin knocked off the shelf, and runs to find the goblin. He stops at the end of the aisle where Geoffrey is standing]

MERLIN Found it.

GEOFFREY Ah.

--

[06:26, INT. KING’S PALACE, ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS - DAY]

[Merlin follows the trail of wall ornaments on the floor of the corridors]

GOBLIN Ugh! No!

MERLIN No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

GOBLIN No! No! None here! Argh.

[The goblin shoves a boot out from under Arthur's bed]

GOBLIN None under here either!

[Merlin looks under the bed for the goblin]

[Merlin turns around to see Arthur standing behind him]

ARTHUR Merlin. I really hope, for your sake, you have a good explanation for this.

MERLIN I...do have a good explanation. I'm spring cleaning.

ARTHUR It isn't spring, and it certainly isn't clean.

MERLIN That's because I've only just started. Yeah, you wait until I've finished. You'll be able to eat your dinner off the floor. Not that you want to.

[The goblin searches through something outside Arthur's chambers.]

ARTHUR What was that?

MERLIN Why don't I go and see, and you can make yourself comfortable.

--

[07:34, INT. KING’S PALACE, MORGANA’S CHAMBERS - DAY]

GOBLIN Nearly, nearly, nearly.

[Merlin sees the goblin tossing bracelets out of Morgana's jewellery box]

MERLIN No.

[The goblin sees Merlin and jumps out the window with Morgana's healing bracelet. Merlin hurries to put Morgana's jewellery back in the box. Gwen enters behind him and clears her throat]

GWEN I'm really not sure it suits you, Merlin.

--

[08:07, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHYSICIAN’S CHAMBERS - DAY]

[Merlin and Gaius flip through a book. The correct page appears and Merlin points.]

MERLIN That's it.

GAIUS Seems you've unleashed a goblin.

MERLIN I know that face. That's not good, is it?

GAIUS Goblins are the most mischievous of creatures. Mischievous and dangerous.

MERLIN(disbelieving) Didn't seem dangerous.

GAIUS Believe me, Merlin, goblins will stop at nothing to get their hands on the one thing they value above all others: gold.

[Arthur enters.]

ARTHUR You're needed, Gaius, for a matter of great urgency and extreme delicacy.

GAIUS What is it?

ARTHUR It's my father.

--

[08:41, INT. KING’S PALACE, UTHER'S CORRIDOR - DAY]

ARTHUR I should warn you, if you value your lives, do not even think about laughing.

--

[08:54, INT. KING’S PALACE, UTHER'S CHAMBERS - DAY]

ARTHUR Father?

UTHER I'm behind the screen.

[Gaius and Merlin find bald Uther hunched down in a chair behind a changing screen with his arms crossed.]

--

[09:23, INT. KING’S PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY]

GAIUS Only an enchantment could cause Uther to lose his hair like that. I've no doubt the goblin is to blame. We must catch it before it does any real damage.

[Merlin starts laughing]

MERLIN Did you see Uther's face?

GAIUS

Merlin, what do you think Uther will do to the person responsible for releasing the goblin?

MERLIN (Quickly)

We need to catch it. How do we do that?

GAIUS

We need to set a trap. And for that we need gold, and plenty of it.

--

[09:52, INT. KING’S PALACE, ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS - NIGHT]

[Merlin pulls a money chest out from under Arthur's bed while Arthur's asleep. Merlin knocks over some dishes on the table on his way out. Arthur wakes.]

ARTHUR

Who's there?

[Arthur stands up on his bed and draws a sword.]

MERLIN (whisper) Oferbrædels ahries.

[The spell drops the canopy on top of Arthur and Arthur falls to the floor. Merlin laughs to himself as Arthur flails under the canopy.]

ARTHUR Guards!

[Merlin leaves in a hurry.]

--

[10:51, INT. KING’S PALACE, CORRIDOR - NIGHT]

[Merlin tosses a gold coin down the corridor for the goblin to find.]

GOBLIN Lovely gold.

[The goblin picks up the coin and licks it, then follows the trail that Merlin and Gaius have laid out into a storage room. The goblin rejoices at the sight of the chest of gold coins. Gaius closes the door and Merlin grabs the goblin with a blanket. The goblin turns into a little ball of light again and buzzes into Gaius's ear.]

MERLIN Gaius, did you see where it went?

GOBLIN (GAIUS) You let it escape you stupid boy! Now you just stand there like a sack of potatoes. Go after it! Go! Shoo! Shoo!

[Merlin leaves and Goblin (Gaius) licks the gold in the chest.]

--                                                                                                   [12:20, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHYSICIAN’S CHAMBERS - NIGHT] [Goblin (Gaius) tosses objects from the shelves.]

MERLIN

I've searched the entire palace. There's no sign of the goblin any...what happened?

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

It's that pesky goblin! You let it escape and it's ransacked my premises! You've got some cleaning up to do. Clean! Clean!

MERLIN

Where you going?

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

I'm going to the tavern.

MERLIN(suprised)

You never go to the tavern.

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

Then I shall see what I've been missing.

--

[12:54, INT. LOWER TOWN, THE RISING SUN - NIGHT]

[Gaius enters as the tavern folk are cheering over arm wrestling match. The winner takes the gold on the table and Goblin (Gaius) licks his lips. Goblin (Gaius) places his gold coins on the table in front of the winner.]

GOBLIN (GAIUS) (tauntingly)

Shall we arm wrestle, or do you require a moment to recover what little strength you have?

[Goblin (Gaius) eventually wins the match and takes the gold, licking his lips.]

--

[13:53, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHYSICIAN’S CHAMBERS - DAY]

[Goblin (Gaius) belches as Merlin exits his chamber.]

MERLIN

Oof, you look terrible. How much did you drink last night?

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

You don't look so good yourself. What's your excuse?

MERLIN

What?

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Shh. Too much talking. I have a head like the inside of a drum, and a mouth like a badger's armpit.

MERLIN Ugh, badger's armpit.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Make yourself useful. Go to the market and fetch my breakfast. Away! Go!

[Merlin leaves and Goblin (Gaius) pulls out the chest of gold and jewellery. Morgana enters.]

MORGANA Gaius?

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Yes, yes. What is it?

MORGANA I couldn't sleep last night. My healing bracelet's been stolen.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Oh, tragedy. Travesty. Whoever stole it should be hanged, flogged, and hanged again.

MORGANA I was hoping you could give me a sleeping draught?

GOBLIN (GAIUS) A sleeping draught? Can't you count sheep like everyone else? Why are you bothering me with such things? Shoo!

MORGANA I don't know why you're being like this, Gaius. I'm the King's ward and you shall do as I ask.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Ooooh, shall I now?

[Goblin (Gaius) walks closer to Morgana and looks into her eyes.]

GOBLIN (GAIUS) I can see deep into your heart, and it's cold. Cold as stone. You play at being Uther's loving ward. You play it so well you fool him, but you don't fool me. You would see Uther dead and Camelot destroyed.

(Morgana looks disconcerted)

MORGANA Why would you say such a thing?

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Because it's the truth. There is evil in your heart.

MORGANA I don't know what's come over you. You were always such a good friend to me.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) I see the truth frightens you.

MORGANA It's you that frightens me.

[Morgana walks to the door.]

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Do you not want your sleeping draught after all, Lady Morgana?

[Morgana stops and looks at Gaius.]

GOBLIN (GAIUS) One moment.

[Goblin (Gaius) magically creates a potion and hands it to Morgana.]

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Sweet dreams. Do come back and see me anytime.

[Morgana takes the potion and marches out with a scowl.]

--

[16:43, INT. LOWER TOWN, TOM AND ROSE’S HOUSE - DAY]

[Goblin (Gaius) holds up the arms of a man who is lying in bed.]

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

Say "Ah, ooh, ah, ooh, ah, oooooh!"

TOM

Ah, ooh, ah, ooh, ah, oooooh!

[Gaius drops Tom's arms and turns to his wife, Rose.]

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

He's certain to die.

TOM (confused)

I don't feel like I'm dying.

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

If you value your life, you won't say another word, it could kill you instantly. Shh.

ROSE I believed he had a broken rib.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) A broken rib that's become infected with the most severe and terrifying infection that can only be treated by this remedy.

[Goblin (Gaius) pulls out a potion bottle.]

ROSE Ah.

[Rose looks reassued]

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Alas, it's very expensive.

ROSE Oh, we do not have any money to spare.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) In that case, your husband will die, and you'll spend the rest of your life in poverty and misery before dying a lonely, cold death, which is no less than you deserve.

[Tom makes noises a panicked with his mouth shut and motions for Rose to pay Gaius. Gaius continues visiting townspeople and demanding payment.]

--

[17:48, INT. GWEN'S HOUSE - DAY]

GWEN

What can I do for you?

GOBLIN (GAIUS) It's more a question of what I can do for you.

[Goblin (Gaius) grabs Gwen's face and looks her over.]

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Ah, it seems you're developing the symptoms already.

GWEN Symptoms for what?

GOBLIN (GAIUS) The most severe and terrifying infection that is sweeping through Camelot like a plague.

GWEN I haven't heard anything about an infection.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) That's because those who catch it are immediately struck dumb. Fortunately I have developed a very effective cure.(Gwen motions to take the bottle and Goblin/Gaius pulls it back). It is yours in exchange for a gold coin.

GWEN Very funny.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Is it? I don't hear anyone laughing.

GWEN You've never charged me for remedies before.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Then I've clearly been a fool. Do you wish for a cure, or do you wish to walk around with a face covered in boils and your nose dripping with snot?

GWEN Boils?

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Big, pussy boils. Bigger than you've ever seen.

GWEN I'll fetch a coin.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Come on, come on, I haven't got all day.

[Gwen hands him the coin and Goblin (Gaius) hands her the fake remedy. She catches him licking his lips.]

GOBLIN (GAIUS) A most wise decision.

--

[19:04, INT. KING’S PALACE, UTHER'S CHAMBERS - DAY]

UTHER You're sure this treatment will work, Gaius?

GOBLIN (GAIUS) I'm quite certain of it, My Lord.

UTHER Is it really necessary to slap my head like that?

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Completely and utterly necessary. We must restore the circulation to the scalp. You wish your hair to grow back, My Lord?

UTHER Get on with it, then.

--

[19:45, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHYSICIAN’S CHAMBERS - DAY]

(Merlin sees Goblin/Gaius with a chest of coins. He licks a few and hides the chest. Merlin realsises the truth)

MERLIN You're the goblin!

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

Have you lost your mind?

MERLIN

No, but you have! Or at least it's been taken over.

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

Don't be ridiculous.

MERLIN

I know Gaius as well as I know myself, and you are not him

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

Ah, you've got me. How d'you like my new body? It's a bit old and creaky, but it's ever so much fun.

MERLIN

It's not your body, it's Gaius's. What've you done with him?

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

He's still in here somewhere.

MERLIN

Gaius has done you no harm. Leave him.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) All right. You've convinced me. On second thought, I think I'll stay where I am. I like it in here. The freedom, the gold, the beer. Did I mention the gold?

MERLIN If you hurt Gaius...I will kill you.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) You'll be killing him. You see the problem? I'm him, he's me. We're all jumbled up in here.

--

[20:51, INT. KING’S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY]

ARTHUR There have been instances of vandalism around the palace, as well as a number of thefts. I, myself, was a victim. Unfortunately, the thief managed to elude me.

[Gwen farts and the court stares at her. Morgana farts.]

UTHER Double the guard. I want the perpetrator found.

[Uther farts.]

ARTHUR Yes, My Lord.

UTHER The council is dismissed!

[Flatulence continues.]

UTHER Now!

[Everyone rushes out except Uther, Gaius, and Arthur]

UTHER Gaius, is there anything you can do to treat this?

--

[22:03, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHYSICIAN’S CHAMBERS - DAY]

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Tell me you didn't think that was funny.

[Merlin gives Goblin (Gaius) a stone-faced glare]

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Not even a little bit? Just a teeny-weeny bit?

MERLIN If you carry on like this, you're going to get Gaius killed.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Merlin, you underestimate me. I have cured Uther of his farting and his baldness. He is, he tells me, forever in my debt. I am a genius.

MERLIN This has to stop.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) I see no reason why. Now, if you're quite finished, I'm going to the tavern.

MERLIN Bord, wiþ stende hine.

[Merlin's spell shuts the door so Goblin (Gaius) can't leave.]

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Well, well, well. So you have a secret of your own, Merlin.

MERLIN Leave his body or you will regret it.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Your magic may be powerful, but I have an advantage.

MERLIN What's that?

GOBLIN (GAIUS) I can hurt you...

[Goblin (Gaius) magically throws a dagger at Merlin.]

MERLIN

Culter, ic þe hate!

[Merlin's spell stops the dagger and he sends it back at Gaius, stopping just before it reaches Gaius's face.]

GOBLIN (GAIUS) Whereas, you cannot hurt me without hurting Gaius.

MERLIN I won't rest till I've found a way to force you out of Gaius's body.

--

[23:37, INT. KING’S PALACE, HALL OF RECORDS - DAY]

GEOFFREY

Ah, Gaius. I've been meaning to come and see you. I've got this terrible pain in my leg.

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

That's hardly surprising when it has to support that enormous gut. Lose some weight, fatty.

[Goblin (Gaius) enters the secret chamber and takes the magic book Merlin discovered earlier.]

--

[24:13, INT. KING’S PALACE, ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS - DAY]

[Merlin searches for Arthur]

MERLIN Arthur.

[Merlin finds Arthur in the central corridor, followed by two guards.]

MERLIN

Arthur, I have to talk to you.

ARTHUR

Arrest him.

MERLIN

What? Arthur, what are you doing?

--

[24:42, INT. KING’S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY]

UTHER

Is it true? You were responsible for the afflictions that I and other members of the court have suffered?

MERLIN

What? No.

UTHER

Gaius.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) I found this in your room. It's a book of spells and enchantments.

MERLIN He's lying. That's not Gaius.

ARTHUR What are you talking about?

MERLIN He's been possessed by a goblin.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) The boy is reduced to making the most desperate and ridiculous accusations.

UTHER You seriously expect me to believe that Gaius is a goblin?

MERLIN It's, it's controlling him. Gaius is still in there...somewhere.

ARTHUR Do you have any proof of these accusations?

MERLIN No!

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

I fear that magic has corrupted you. It pains me more than I can tell you.

MERLIN

I really doubt that.

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

My Lord, I have been harbouring a sorcerer. For that I offer the most sincere apology.

UTHER

You were not to know, Gaius. He's fooled us all.

MERLIN

It's not me that's fooling you.

UTHER

Silence! You've been found guilty of using magic and enchantments. In accordance with our laws, you will pay with your life. Take him away!

--

[26:17, INT. LOWER TOWN, THE RISING SUN - NIGHT]

[Goblin (Gaius) bumps into Sir Leon]

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

Clumsy oaf.

SIR LEON

Gaius? I will pretend that I didn't hear that.

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

Are you deaf as well as stupid?

SIR LEON

I am a knight of Camelot and you will show me some respect.

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

Fool, then I'll show you none.

SIR LEON

You will learn some manners, or I will teach you some.

[Gaius spits his drink in Sir Leon's face. Sir Leon draws his sword.]

SIR LEON

You may be old, but I cannot let this pass! Arm yourself!

GOBLIN (GAIUS) I'm just a foolish old man who’s had far too much to drink. Please accept my apologies. A flagon of ale for my friends!

SIR LEON Then I accept your apology.

[Goblin (Gaius) puts a potion in a flagon of ale and brings it over to Sir Leon's table.]

SIR LEON Gaius.

GOBLIN (GAIUS) My apologies again. Don't know what came over me.

SIR LEON It is forgotten.

--

[27:37, INT. KING’S PALACE, DUNGEONS - NIGHT]

MERLIN ''Cæga cume her. ''

[Merlin floats the cell keys off of the sleeping guard's belt. Merlin escapes and tries to sneak past the drawbridge into the lower town. Guards spot him when the warning bells sound. Merlin runs.]

--

[28:15, INT. GWEN'S HOUSE - NIGHT]

[Gwen wakes to the sound of the warning bells. Something creaks in her house and she grabs a candlestick as she climbs out of bed to investigate. Merlin grabs her from behind to muffle her scream and turns her around.]

MERLIN

Shh!

[Guards run past outside.]

--

[28:43, INT. KING’S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY]

ARTHUR

Merlin has escaped. It seems he somehow managed to obtain a set of keys.

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

Escape?! How is this allowed to happen? Incompetence!

[Uther and Arthur stare at Goblin (Gaius).]

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

I didn't mean to speak out of turn, My Lord.

UTHER

Gaius is right, this is unacceptable. The guards should be punished.

ARTHUR

I'll see to it personally.

UTHER

Search the town, I want Merlin found.

ARTHUR

Yes, Sire.

--

[29:14, INT. GWEN'S HOUSE - DAY]

MERLIN

We need to force the goblin out of Gaius.

GWEN

And how do we do that?

MERLIN

I don't know. I'll try to sneak back to Gaius's chambers. Maybe I can find something in one of his books.

GWEN

What can I do?

MERLIN

Well, we need to convince Arthur. Maybe if you speak to him, he might listen to you.

GWEN

No, I can't.

MERLIN

Why?

GWEN

After what happened in the council yesterday, I'll never be able to look Arthur in the face again.

MERLIN

I know, it's embarrassing.

GWEN

It's more than embarrassing, Merlin! I cannot face him, ever.

MERLIN

Come on, Gwen. It's not that bad. All girls do it, don't they?

GWEN

Not in public! And certainly not in front of the man they have feelings for!

MERLIN

You still have feelings for Arthur.

GWEN

Not that it matters now, because he will never be able to look at me in the same way again.

MERLIN

Gwen, if Arthur likes you, he likes you. Warts and farts and all.

GWEN

Merlin, I haven't got any warts.

MERLIN

Then...you'll talk to him?

[Gwen can’t resist his adorable smile and sighs in defeat]

--

[30:19, INT. KING’S PALACE, ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS - DAY]

[Someone knocks on the door.]

ARTHUR

Ah, Gaius, come in.

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

I believe you wanted to see me.

ARTHUR

I wanted to thank you in person. It couldn't've been easy for you exposing Merlin like that.

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

My loyalty to Camelot and your father comes first.

ARTHUR

And it is much appreciated. I should also thank you for ridding me of the most incompetent, rude, and lazy servant that Camelot has ever known.

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

I'm just sorry you had to suffer his ineptitude for so long.

ARTHUR

And when we catch him, you'll see him hang.

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

Ah, I shall look forward to that.

[Goblin (Gaius) lifts the drink Arthur poured for him. Arthur stares at Goblin (Gaius).]

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

Is something wrong?

ARTHUR

The Gaius I know would never look forward to seeing Merlin hang no matter what he'd done.

[Arthur draws his sword on Goblin (Gaius).]

ARTHUR

Merlin was telling the truth.

[Goblin (Gaius) magically smashes a vase over Arthur's head, knocking him unconscious. Goblin (Gaius) casts a spell on Arthur as he exits.]

--

[31:22, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHOENIX CORRIDOR - DAY]

[Gwen walks purposefully towards Arthur's chambers. Goblin (Gaius) ducks into an alcove to avoid being seen.]

--

[31:34, INT. KING’S PALACE, ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS - DAY]

[Gwen approaches Arthur's door hesitantly. She raises her arm to knock, starts to run away, stops, returns to the door, and finally works up the courage to knock. Something makes a honking noise on the other side of the door.]

GWEN

Arthur? Arthur, it's Guinevere. Can I come in?

[Another honking noise comes through the door. Gwen enters and walks towards the bed.]

GWEN

Arthur? Arthur?

[Gwen rounds the corner of the bed post and sees Arthur hunched down on the floor with donkey ears. Gwen gasps.]

GWEN

What's happened to you?

[Arthur brays.]

GWEN Did Gaius do this to you?

[Arthur brays “Yes”.]

GWEN He's a goblin.

[Arthur brays “I know”.]

GWEN Poor thing.

[Gwen pets one of Arthur's donkey ears. Arthur leans into her hand in pleasure, then brays indignantly.]

GWEN Sorry. Merlin's working on a plan. We'll figure out what to do. Stay here.

--

[33:19, INT. GWEN'S HOUSE - DAY]

MERLIN Arthur's a donkey?

GWEN He has the ears of a donkey. And the voice. He-- he's braying.

MERLIN He's...braying.

[Merlin bursts out laughing.]

GWEN It's not funny, Merlin.

MERLIN No. No, no, of course not. Arthur with the ears of a donkey, what's funny about that?

GWEN He just looked so pitiful. I've never seen Arthur look like that. Did you find anything?

MERLIN I think so.

[Merlin places his hand on a book from the physician's chambers.]

MERLIN If the host body dies, the goblin dies with it. So, if Gaius is dying, the goblin will be forced to leave him.

GWEN You want to kill Gaius?

MERLIN

Just briefly. Once the goblin's out of Gaius, we have to trap it in a box lined with lead. It's the only container that will hold it.

GWEN

Where do we get a box lined with lead?

MERLIN

Leave that to me.

--

[34:25, INT. KING’S PALACE, HALL OF RECORDS - DAY]

MERLIN (whisper)

Oþfiel æstel!

[Merlin's spell pulls and object from a shelf and drops it on Geoffrey of Monmouth's foot.]

GEOFFREY

Ow!

[Merlin runs past unseen and enters the secret chamber to grab the lead lined box]

--

[34:53, INT. KING’S PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY]

SIR LEON

It is the same for all of us who were in the tavern last night.

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

That is most unfortunate.

[Sir Leon's face is covered in boils.]

SIR LEON

Please, can you treat it?

GOBLIN (GAIUS) (sigh)

The infection has no cure. The itching will become almost unbearable.

SIR LEON

Itching? There is no itching!

GOBLIN (GAIUS) There will be soon enough. Itching so severe it has been known to drive men to madness.

SIR LEON Gaius, please, there must be some remedy. We will pay whatever it takes.

--

[35:30, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHYSICIAN’S CHAMBERS - DAY]

[Gwen keeps a lookout while Merlin makes poison and an antidote.]

GWEN

Hurry up!

MERLIN

I'm doing my best. Gaius normally deals with anything to do with poisons.

[Merlin pours the poison over the gold and jewellery in the stolen money chest.]

MERLIN

As soon as the goblin's out of Gaius, you must give him the antidote. We only have a few seconds or Gaius will, you know, die.

GWEN

He's coming!

[Merlin hands Gwen the antidote and puts the chest back into hiding. Merlin and Gwen hide in Merlin's chamber and watch as Goblin (Gaius) takes out the chest and licks the gold coins.]

GWEN

Ugh, that's disgusting.

[Goblin (Gaius) begins to stumble and Merlin exits his chamber with the octagonal box.]

GOBLIN (GAIUS)

You've poisoned me. You poisoned Gaius!

MERLIN

Leave his body while you still can!

[The goblin exits Gaius's ear as a little ball of light and buzzes around the room. Gaius falls to the floor.]

MERLIN

Give him the antidote!

[Gwen rushes towards Gaius, but the goblin buzzes past her and she stumbles into a table. Gwen drops the antidote and sends dozens of other potion bottles to the floor with it.]

MERLIN

Back in the box.

GOBLIN

You'll have to catch me first!

[Merlin chases the fully embodied Goblin. It turns back into a ball of light and flies into Merlin's mouth. Merlin spits it into the octagonal box and locks it in.]

GOBLIN

Oh, no let me out, I promise I won't do it again.

GWEN

I don't know which one's the antidote! Which one is it?

MERLIN

I don't know.

GWEN

He's dying!

MERLIN

I think it's this one.

[Gwen gives Merlin and "Are you sure?" look and Merlin keeps searching. He picks up another bottle.]

MERLIN

Er...this one.

[Merlin turns Gaius over and pours the potion into his mouth]

GWEN

Are you sure that was the antidote?

MERLIN

No. Gaius! Come on! Please! Come on, you stubborn old goat!

GAIUS

Who are you calling an old goat?

--

[39:23, INT. KING’S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY]

UTHER

You mean to tell me it was you who was responsible for the, er...baldness, the flatulence, the boils, and Arthur's donkey ears?

GAIUS

I fear I was, My Lord. Or at least the goblin was while I was possessed by it.

UTHER

Magic has the power to corrupt even the most honourable of men.

GAIUS

Indeed. Though, I must assure you that Merlin was entirely innocent.

UTHER

Then he is pardoned.

[The goblin struggles and grumbles inside the octagonal box.]

GAIUS

May I suggest it is kept where no one will ever open it?

UTHER

See that it's placed in the vaults. Gaius...do you know who was responsible for releasing the goblin in the first place?

GAIUS

I'm afraid I've no idea, My Lord.

UTHER

Now. Secure it now.

--

[40:34, INT. KING’S PALACE, PHOENIX CORRIDOR - DAY]

[Gwen and Arthur stop awkwardly when they see each other]

GWEN

My Lord.

ARTHUR

Guinevere. The, er...events of the last few days, I, er...I think it would be best if we...never spoke of them.

GWEN

I don't even know what events you're referring to.

ARTHUR

Quite. It's...it's been entirely uneventful. I need to train my men.

GWEN

I must see to the sheets.

[Arthur and Gwen walk past each other and sigh in relief]

--

[41:27, EXT. TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY]

GAIUS

I see you've been busy undoing the goblin's magic.

MERLIN

As usual, I get no thanks whatsoever.

GAIUS

Since releasing the goblin was entirely your fault, Merlin, I'm not sure you deserve any thanks.

MERLIN

Wha...Arthur doesn't know that.

GAIUS

For your sake, you better hope it stays that way.

[Arthur knocks over the knight that he's fighting and laughs. Onlookers laugh with him. Arthur's laugh becomes a bray. The other knights stop laughing, but grin silently as Arthur clears his throat.]

GAIUS (reprimand)

Merlin.

MERLIN

Just one more day. It's too good.